It doesn't matter.
At least, that's what I keep telling myself. The schoolwork, the stress, the worries, the feelings of being desperately alone and unworthy of love.
It doesn't matter.
Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll eventually believe it, and if I believe it, maybe the pain will go away. That's all I want now. The pain to go away.
*sigh*
I told one of my friends last night that I was not broken and did not need his fixing, but that was a lie as well. I am broken. But he is not the one who can fix me. Really no human being has that ability, including myself. Believe me, I've tried, for many years I've tried. But everything comes apart again, but breaking off even more with it, so the pain becomes greater each time. Do I just ignore it? No, that's something I can't do, no matter how much I lie to myself...but I keep trying...
It doesn't mater...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Wonderings
Alright, this is going to be a bit weird, I know, but lately these thoughts have been sitting inside my brain, so I want to get them out. If people think that I'm crazy, weird, or something of that nature, fine. Whatever. You can skip this blog post and act like it doesn't exist.
It's just lately I've just been wondering what certain things are like.
Like how it feels to be kissed and to kiss someone. (Not like on the cheek, but, you know, kissed.)
What sex is like. (Scandalous! Don't worry, I'm waiting to find out what that's like until I get married.)
How hard it would be for someone (probably a guy) to pin me on the ground so that I couldn't escape. (Hopefully this guy will let me up if I ask nicely. If not, and this guy knows I'm ticklish, there's going to be problems.)
The reactions of my friends if I were to suddenly start crying in front of them.
What it's like to actually be held when I'm sobbing uncontrollably.
What it's like to stand on the beach and watch the sun rise or set over the ocean (gotta cover both coastlines).
What it's like to be restrained so as I cannot move. (Yeah...I know that one's kinda weird....)
In a world of knights and dragons, if there would be a hero willing to save me at the risk of his life.
What it's like to truly love with all of my being and be loved in the same way.
So...yeah...kinda a weird post, I know, but there ya go. I'm a weird person, and this is what you get from me at 2 in the morning.
It's just lately I've just been wondering what certain things are like.
Like how it feels to be kissed and to kiss someone. (Not like on the cheek, but, you know, kissed.)
What sex is like. (Scandalous! Don't worry, I'm waiting to find out what that's like until I get married.)
How hard it would be for someone (probably a guy) to pin me on the ground so that I couldn't escape. (Hopefully this guy will let me up if I ask nicely. If not, and this guy knows I'm ticklish, there's going to be problems.)
The reactions of my friends if I were to suddenly start crying in front of them.
What it's like to actually be held when I'm sobbing uncontrollably.
What it's like to stand on the beach and watch the sun rise or set over the ocean (gotta cover both coastlines).
What it's like to be restrained so as I cannot move. (Yeah...I know that one's kinda weird....)
In a world of knights and dragons, if there would be a hero willing to save me at the risk of his life.
What it's like to truly love with all of my being and be loved in the same way.
So...yeah...kinda a weird post, I know, but there ya go. I'm a weird person, and this is what you get from me at 2 in the morning.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
A hating of myself
If there is one thing that I absolutely hate about myself, it's how quickly my emotions can change.
Another thing, I hate crying.
I hate that I hate crying. It doesn't make sense!
The only reasons I can think of are that I feel weak when I start crying, and ashamed, and because those do not make sense, I get angry.
And then the hate grows deeper because I am so angry at myself.
Wonderful, isn't it?
What makes all this even worse is that it's SO hard for me to talk to anyone when I really should. I don't mean just typing it out, like chatting to people online. That's something completely different. They can't see you crying then. I mean talking face to face and actually letting loose with the tears, and letting them hug and hold you when you're shaking from how hard you're sobbing.
I don't know why it's so difficult...I really want for someone to be there. I know I need someone there besides me, myself, and I (especially since all three of us are worthless at comforting each other), but I just...can't...
Another thing, I hate crying.
I hate that I hate crying. It doesn't make sense!
The only reasons I can think of are that I feel weak when I start crying, and ashamed, and because those do not make sense, I get angry.
And then the hate grows deeper because I am so angry at myself.
Wonderful, isn't it?
What makes all this even worse is that it's SO hard for me to talk to anyone when I really should. I don't mean just typing it out, like chatting to people online. That's something completely different. They can't see you crying then. I mean talking face to face and actually letting loose with the tears, and letting them hug and hold you when you're shaking from how hard you're sobbing.
I don't know why it's so difficult...I really want for someone to be there. I know I need someone there besides me, myself, and I (especially since all three of us are worthless at comforting each other), but I just...can't...
Frightening
So, for the past couple of days I've been playing beach volleyball with some of my friends around the dorm, and it's been great fun. Tis nice to be able to get out and actually get some exercise, however I keep forgetting I'm in a desert and that it requires I drink A WHOLE LOT MORE WATER than I what I'm used to doing in the Midwest.
The first time we played we were playing in the middle of the afternoon (when the day's at its hottest, I believe...not really a smart time to play...), and I swear we were playing for a few hours. I brought water, and drank many bottles worth of it; however, when we were done I noticed my hands trembling a lot. Far more than I remember seeing for quite some time. (The last time my hands were shaking like that was when I was sick with the flu and kinda overdosed on caffine.) I just took a shower, drank more water, and ate some Ritz crackers thinking that maybe some salt would help. (The tremors ceased within a...half hour, I think.)
Then yesterday our group ended up playing after sunset when it was starting to cool off. (There were overhead lights! Don't worry about that the problem of seeing the ball.) We played a couple games, but I really was not feeling good when we went back inside. I noticed that I wasn't playing as well towards the end of the second game, but I chalked that up to my asthma reacting to all the dust being kicked up from the sand and to my being-out-of-shape-ness. But when the excitement of play wore off and we headed back inside, I felt my hands trembling again, but also weakness in my leg muscles as well, the slightest hint of uncoordination beyond what I normally experience in day to day life, and just a general feeling of slightly ill.
(Some of this stuff may have to do with being out of shape, and that's fine. I can deal with sore muscles, but weakness and tremors are not normal in my experience.)
At any rate, I was slightly frightened, so I changed out of my sweat-soaked clothes and curled up underneath a blanket for the rest of the evening (yay cold chills?), trying to drink as much water as I could without feeling sick and trying to keep my hands from shaking. (Thanks, Nil, for getting water for me. I greatly appreciate it. Hugs for you later.)
It took a few hours before I felt slightly normal again, but really, this was kinda frightening for me. One thing that I'm afraid of is my body just giving out on me and of being so weak that walking up a couple flights of stairs is beyond my capacity. I don't mind other people being stronger than I am, but when my body just fails like that it's scary! When that happens, what am I supposed to do?
I guess it could be a lesson for me to drink water continuously all day (commen sense, yes?), but I think for now it might also be a good idea to stay away from volleyball for a couple days. Knowing me, that probably won't happen, but it might be a good idea.
The first time we played we were playing in the middle of the afternoon (when the day's at its hottest, I believe...not really a smart time to play...), and I swear we were playing for a few hours. I brought water, and drank many bottles worth of it; however, when we were done I noticed my hands trembling a lot. Far more than I remember seeing for quite some time. (The last time my hands were shaking like that was when I was sick with the flu and kinda overdosed on caffine.) I just took a shower, drank more water, and ate some Ritz crackers thinking that maybe some salt would help. (The tremors ceased within a...half hour, I think.)
Then yesterday our group ended up playing after sunset when it was starting to cool off. (There were overhead lights! Don't worry about that the problem of seeing the ball.) We played a couple games, but I really was not feeling good when we went back inside. I noticed that I wasn't playing as well towards the end of the second game, but I chalked that up to my asthma reacting to all the dust being kicked up from the sand and to my being-out-of-shape-ness. But when the excitement of play wore off and we headed back inside, I felt my hands trembling again, but also weakness in my leg muscles as well, the slightest hint of uncoordination beyond what I normally experience in day to day life, and just a general feeling of slightly ill.
(Some of this stuff may have to do with being out of shape, and that's fine. I can deal with sore muscles, but weakness and tremors are not normal in my experience.)
At any rate, I was slightly frightened, so I changed out of my sweat-soaked clothes and curled up underneath a blanket for the rest of the evening (yay cold chills?), trying to drink as much water as I could without feeling sick and trying to keep my hands from shaking. (Thanks, Nil, for getting water for me. I greatly appreciate it. Hugs for you later.)
It took a few hours before I felt slightly normal again, but really, this was kinda frightening for me. One thing that I'm afraid of is my body just giving out on me and of being so weak that walking up a couple flights of stairs is beyond my capacity. I don't mind other people being stronger than I am, but when my body just fails like that it's scary! When that happens, what am I supposed to do?
I guess it could be a lesson for me to drink water continuously all day (commen sense, yes?), but I think for now it might also be a good idea to stay away from volleyball for a couple days. Knowing me, that probably won't happen, but it might be a good idea.
Friday, March 20, 2009
One Song Glory
I went to see Rent for the first time with some of my friends last night and was reminded why I love musicals. The songs tend to be more powerful in a way that many other songs cannot hope to achieve. Songs in musicals have a backstory behind them, and because of that, more influence.
Specifically, I'm thinking of "One Song Glory" sung by Roger right before he meets Mimi for the first time. That song really speaks to me, and it's one of the reason's I really like Roger's character. As I'm writing this, I've been listening to it over and over, singing along and letting myself rise and fall with the music.
What about this song makes me want to keep listening to it? For that matter, what makes me want to listen to any song more than once? This requires some thought.
What makes a song speak to one person and not to another?
Specifically, I'm thinking of "One Song Glory" sung by Roger right before he meets Mimi for the first time. That song really speaks to me, and it's one of the reason's I really like Roger's character. As I'm writing this, I've been listening to it over and over, singing along and letting myself rise and fall with the music.
What about this song makes me want to keep listening to it? For that matter, what makes me want to listen to any song more than once? This requires some thought.
What makes a song speak to one person and not to another?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
And So It Begins...
So, now I've joined the masses.
I have a blog!
To start things out, I thought it would be a cool thing to look at the importance of....WATER!!! One really doesn't realize just how important it is until either one moves to the desert where an angry sun attempts to melt you to the sidewalk or suffers a week of band camp during the summer on top of scorching pavement.
I know that I'm sounding like those pesky parents or medical officials, but truly, water is one of the most amazing drinks on the planet, and without it, you could die!
Yeah...
Rather pointless post, I know, but I was looking for something to write about and I had a bottle of water next to me. ;)
I have a blog!
To start things out, I thought it would be a cool thing to look at the importance of....WATER!!! One really doesn't realize just how important it is until either one moves to the desert where an angry sun attempts to melt you to the sidewalk or suffers a week of band camp during the summer on top of scorching pavement.
I know that I'm sounding like those pesky parents or medical officials, but truly, water is one of the most amazing drinks on the planet, and without it, you could die!
Yeah...
Rather pointless post, I know, but I was looking for something to write about and I had a bottle of water next to me. ;)
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